God's Provisions

To know me, you would know that I lost my mom February 2006. The peace I have to fill the emptiness is from God’s provisions in my life. I have hope in seeing her in Heaven one day. I have joy knowing she is praising God 24 hours a day. She is having “church” all that she wants! You see, here on earth, she had limitations and curfews of when to return from church and how often she was permitted to attend church. My joy is in knowing she does not have those curfews any longer.

If you were to ask me 7 years ago what my biggest fear was, I would respond by saying losing my husband or mom. My husband was healthy (no signs of cancer at the time) as was my mother. In my heart, my prayers to God were to graciously let me keep my mom through her old age.

My mom had been a pillar of health and an inspiration as a strong, beautiful, Christian woman all of my life. Then in June 2004, all of our lives changed when her life changed. She was diagnosed with stage 4 Lung Cancer. No one in my family understood the reality of this “death sentence”. The doctor gave her 12-14 months to live. Our denial kicked in and we supported my mom’s treatment through her strong faith of being healed. Twenty months into her treatment, she faced a stroke. Two weeks of recovery and therapy, she was talking and walking, slowly but just the same, was doing wonderful.

January 15, 2006, my mother-in-law’s birthday, I got the call of her stroke. Todd and I rushed to her side as family rallied by her. We didn’t understand why she could not speak or write. But after two weeks being by her side, she was talking and walking. Finally, I felt led to leave her and return home in Jupiter. She was in Dade City, outside of Tampa at the time. My brother, Burt, had come from out of town to visit mom and decided to give me a ride home since he was working in the area. Before our four hour ride home was up, we got the call that her second stroke had struck. Three long, grueling weeks of praying and wondering her fate was before us. She was on life support and not responding. As they prepared to transport her to Hospice care, they disconnected the life support. And it was then that her tired, weary body was united with her spirit, to meet Christ.

I never thought I could face such a loss and yet, I stand here today saying I am blessed. I am blessed to have had her 38 years of my life. As I reviewed my prayer journals from the past years, I found it! I found God’s Provision for me and His grace working in my life.

January, 1999

I write:
Thank you Lord for a great family visit. I enjoyed time with mom, dad, and grandparents. I had quality visiting time with Burt and Crystal. I still have that dread of losing mom though. When I am away from her the feeling is overwhelming. Lord, I don’t want to lose her. I realize others have faced losing their mom but that is them. I don’t want to live without having her through her old age.

My visit with her was sweet and for that I am thankful. I try to hug her more. I try to tell her more that I love her. I cherish our visits and time we spend together. What would I do without her? What would she want to see in her life if it were ending? Well, she would want to see that my brother, Burt and Crystal had a strong, Godly marriage. She would want to see my sister in a balanced, safe and happy life. And in my life, what would she want to see? God, show me what to improve or enhance in my life.


So, 1999 was five years prior to my mom even being sick. I truly believe God instilled a level of anticipatory grief within me. I think that a part of me began to prepare for losing her, even when she was diagnosed with 12 months to live. For that, I am thankful to God for giving me strength to face one of the hardest challenges in my life.